Melancholy March

This time of year is a bit melancholy for me. In a way, March marks one of the most wonderful events of my life: Sam was born two years ago this week. But it was in the days following Sam's birth that I opened my eyes and saw, really saw, Oliver. I had wondered before that time about his speech -- it was not developing as I thought it should. We were speaking two languages at home and I tried to reassure myself that it was just taking him some time to sort it all out. There had been a time after Oliver turned two when I asked a lot of people about language development in bi-lingual children. I think I even did some Internet searching on the topic but I don't remember ever feeling either relieved or more concerned. Still, at that point life was, overall, pretty good and somehow I let go of my concerns and focused on other things. I was really enjoying my pregnancy, for one. I hadn't been sick a single day the second time around and I was excited that I had finally committed to giving birth at home, as I had wanted to do with Oliver. I was also pretty busy at work organizing a rather large conference that was planned for mid-February. So the long and the short of it is that when I reflect back on this period of time, two years ago, I feel like I failed Oliver. Because there were other things I could have picked up on. Like the fact that play dates never really worked out because Oliver spent the whole time playing by himself as far away from the other children as he could get. And he absolutely could not be convinced to share a toy or to take turns. How much better would it have been for him if I hadn't been so self-absorbed and had followed my instincts? We'll never know, I guess.

I will never forget my great disappointment when Oliver returned from my mother's house soon after Sam was born. We were all crowded into my bedroom cooing at the baby and Oliver wouldn't even look at him. I had wondered before I gave birth if he really understood the whole concept -- that there would be a new little person in our house. I read all the books to him I could find and took him around to meet every new baby I knew. But I wasn't prepared for this total and utter lack of interest in (awareness of?) his new brother. Oh well, I tried to console myself, it is just his way of dealing with a bit of jealousy. Honestly though, he didn't seem all that jealous. It wasn't as if he were competing for my attention. That I would have understood.

Nik went back to work soon after Sam was born and I was left with my two small people. I had really looked forward to this time during my pregnancy. How wonderful, I thought, to get to spend all this extra time with Oliver before returning to work. It wasn't long though -- two days? Three? A week? -- before I really saw Oliver for the first time in months. I spent one whole day just watching him. There was a toy cupboard that my grandfather had made my mother when she was a child and Oliver had recently inherited it. The only thing Oliver wanted to do, it seemed, was climb this thing. It was sitting in front of the window and I was terrified that he would get entangled in the cord for the blind, fall and strangle himself. Every day I told him ten, fifteen, fifty times to get down. He ignored me and I pulled him down. Over and over again. I tried explaining. I tried yelling. I probably even tried spanking him, which I don't believe in but I was becoming infuriated. Nothing seemed to phase him. He didn't listen or care.

When Nik got home that afternoon I started to tell him what I was seeing and, as so many other people had done half a year previously with the language thing, he told me I was over-reacting. I was judging him too harshly, comparing him to other children. Everyone develops at their own pace, he told me. I wanted to believe what he was saying but then I started listing all the things that had been troubling me. Not only was he not talking much anymore but he used to know all his colors and the shapes and some letters and could name all sorts of vehicles but I didn't even hear those words anymore. "How can I teach him things if I don't even know what he knows", I asked. Plus I couldn't tell if he was hungry or thirsty or cold. I just had to guess at those things. I couldn't take him to the park anymore because I spent the whole time chasing him down and dragging him back to the children's area. And, I pointed out that he just completely ignored us most of the time. I was growing fairly upset at that point and standing over Oliver as he piled block on top of block, with Sam in my arms, I started yelling his name. Actually, I screamed until my throat hurt. I was about two feet from his head and he never once looked up from his blocks. He was two and a half.

A friend who has a daughter a year older than Oliver had told me some time previously that speech language services through the school district were free. She was concerned about her daughter's speech and so had taken her in for an evaluation. This, I suggested to Nik that day, might be just the thing for us to do. Somebody who knew something about language development would hang out with Oliver and then they would tell us that he was just taking an extra long time to sort things out but that in the end he would benefit from knowing two languages. We just needed to be more patient. Nik agreed and I called the next day.

That phone call set in motion a whole series of evaluations that went on for a couple of months. I sort of knew after the first one at the school that we were talking about something a bit more serious than I had imagined. But still it hit me like a punch in the stomach when the classroom aide in the trailer where I had taken him for observation casually said to me: "I'll bet it's autism." When I left there I dropped Oliver off at my mother's house, returned to work, googled autism and sat staring at my computer screen for the rest of the day in disbelief. The utterly dismal picture of autism that I saw before me bore no relation to my beautiful, joyful Oliver. She was wrong, of course. And yet. ... I couldn't deny that the more I read the more things about him were starting to come into focus.

We've come so far since that time two years ago. It seems like a lifetime ago but at the same time still very fresh. It took Oliver more than 7 months to acknowledge Sam. And by that I mean even look in his direction. Today he tolerates him. But Sam is very persistent and adores both of his brothers. And he always puts Oliver first. If I give Sam a cookie he also demands a second one and then races to give it to his older brother. If I tell him we are going to the store or the park he always says: "And Oliver, too!" I often wish that the two of them had a more traditional sibling relationship. I really want that for Sam. But I can see around the corner and I know that there is a special power in their relationship and I will always be so glad that they have each other in their lives.

Sleeping Like Dogs

We're like dogs at my house. We're like a little pack of puppies wriggling and squirming, jockeying to get the most comfortable position every night. I've re-instituted the family bed. I'm not getting any more hours of sleep each night, and I'm still oft-awakened, but I'm greeting each morning happier and more satisfied with the hours that preceded it.

We have always practiced co-sleeping, but when Oliver was about 18 months old we finally (and with MUCH struggling) moved him to his own bed. First this was a mattress on the floor next to our mattress on the floor. Then it was his own bed on the floor of his own room down the hall. Then Sam came along and we never got around to moving him to his own bed and as I have gradually come to the conclusion that he will be my last baby I haven't been in a hurry to move him. I'm not yet ready to be independent.

But bedtime had been kind of a hassle because our routine required me to lay down with each child in turn until he drifted off to sleep. This sometimes stretched out to where I wasn't enjoying it anymore. So, in an effort to both shorten the routine and help Oliver and Sam bond a bit more, I began bringing them both to my bed for book reading. Then we turned out the light, sang a couple of songs and curled up around each other until both were sweetly breathing deeply into sleep. At that point I would extricate myself and watch as they turned and twisted around each other in the warm vacuum that I left.

At first we carried Oliver to his own bed down the hall. But then Nik was away and I just kept him there with me and the three of us made our way towards morning every night. Together. And I started to really look forward to going to sleep each night. And Oliver, who can be quite a non-sleeper, has been sleeping solidly almost every single night. Maybe he is as comforted by our little nest as I am. Or maybe that is just how things will go for now. And later they will go differently. And that is the beauty of learning that the best mothering is by instinct. For me this means doing what feels right regardless of what the books say, what the experts opine or how I imagine my mother might react.

So for right now, anyway, we're sleeping like dogs in our little green house. It's liberating. And deeply satisfying.

Reading List Recommendations Needed

When Oliver was very small I read book after book after book to him. He loved nothing better than curling up in my lap for a good book. Or seven. Or twelve. But then he sadly went through a period of time when I couldn't get him to sit for a book. I would try and he would slam it shut with a loud proclamation of "All Done!!!" But for whatever reason he has again begun to allow me to read to him. The trouble is I have a hard time finding the right books. I have been to the Library numerous times and to all the local bookstores but often come away, having looked through dozens of books, empty-handed. So I am seeking recommendations. Here are our specifications:

1) Good illustrations
2) Rhymes are good
3) Otherwise, not overly dependent on text -- although if the rhymes are good then his ability to listen longer increases.

Some of our favorite books are:

1) A Fly Went By
2) Green Eggs and Ham
3) Pigs Aplenty, Pigs Galore
4) Are You My Mother
5) Goldilocks and the Three Bears
6) Ten Hungry Monsters

I have tried other Dr. Seuss Books but find that the ones with actual story lines are the best. And a lot of them have funny, made up words that I try to avoid as I don't want to confuse him with the language too much.

So if there is (or was) anything on your 4 year-old's night table that you think Oliver would also enjoy please tell me! I'm in desperate need of updating our bedtime reading list!!!

Did You See That?

Stage Two of RDI is all about referencing, that is, helping a person to learn how to get non-verbal information from another person. I’m sure it is actually more complicated than that but this is how I understand it. Just think of all the information that we pick up from other people’s face and body language! There are the more obvious head shakes and nods, smiles and frowns, but also many more subtle forms of non-verbal communication that help each of us to navigate life.

Oliver has to be taught to read another person, step-by-step. So first we started with smiles and nods that told him, “Yes, that’s right!” or “You’ve got it!” or “Keep going!” etc. And now we are moving on to frowns and head shakes and the more complicated: watch my eyes and see what they are seeing. So throughout the day I am trying to set up opportunities of uncertainty for Oliver so that he will have to check in with me visually to see what he should be doing. “Yes, go forward.” Or, “No, go back.” Or, “Yes, put it in here.” Or, “No, put it over there.” For the most part he is getting it although that doesn’t mean that he always wants to listen to what I have to say! I celebrate this too, by the way. I love how he now has learned to steal a glance at me to see my reaction to something before he does it – even if it is followed by some mischievousness! And even more, I love how he is learning to look at me when he has done something that pleases him as if to say: “Hey Mom! Did you see that!”

We also tried another activity yesterday that I wasn’t sure would work. I placed two cups on the table upside down and let Oliver see me place a piece of candy under one of them. I then moved the cups around a bit so that he could no longer be sure where the candy was. He had to look at me and follow my gaze to learn where to find the candy. Oliver and Sam both stood on a chair in front of the counter and took turns. Sam had no problem understanding the game and immediately looked at me to get the needed information. He is not yet two and got it right every time. The little stinker! Oliver, however, had a little difficulty understanding what I wanted from him. He immediately reached out for BOTH cups and seemed to be more interested in trying to get them to continue moving around on the counter. But after a minute or two he did come to understand that finding the candy was the object of the activity. The first two or three times I did everything but point to the right cup and shout, “It’s under this one!” But then he got it. During that short, simple activity he came to understand that he could learn information from following my gaze! Of course I’m sure we will have to do it many times over and in many different contexts before it becomes second nature to him. But still! He is just so amazing to me!

And We're Off. ...

I am trying to keep with our little family routines as much as possible while Nik is away and RT is with his grandparents. Today, that meant an early morning hike with a stop at Costco on the way home. If the weather hadn't been so beautiful I might have thought of skipping the whole thing -- neither Sam or I have the constitution for cold weather hikes unless Nik is along to help us appreciate how "envigorating" it can be.

A year ago I never would have contemplated doing this routine solo. I vividly remember taking one short hike alone with the kids, more of a walk in the woods really, and being so stressed out about managing both kids -- one of whom I HAD to carry and the other of whom I MIGHT have to carry. Just depending. And then there was the fear of what things might look like if Oliver just decided to take off. How could I chase after him with a babe in arms? But with Sam now so independent and Oliver finally starting to understand the Mommy Voice -- you know, that certain way a mother shouts "Stop" when there is danger present -- I am now positively bursting with confidence compared to a year ago.

So off we went.

And oh how I wish you could have seen us! Oliver was positively amazing. He would start to head down one trail and I would stop and say: "I think I'll go this way." To this Oliver would respond by turning around in his tracks and joining us in the other direction. Later, I walked between Sam and Oliver and sung a simple made-up song about how we were all walking together. Up the hill. Down the hill. We're walking, walking, walking. Then, mid-sentence I would purposefully stop walking and singing. And wouldn't you know it but EVERY TIME I did that Oliver would stop, then turn around and look at me as if to say: "Hey, why did you stop?" I was positively glowing with pride. Even though he was a few steps ahead of me at times and the casual observer might not have been aware of how connected we were on this beautiful spring-like day, Oliver was showing me just how very much he was paying attention to me. And as the mother of a child for whom communication is not a strong point, let's just say that the look said it all.

Compare this to the first RDI video that we submitted 8 weeks ago that shows Oliver hand in hand with Nik as they walked around a track. They walked together for some distance before Nik suddenly came to an unexpected halt. Oliver danced around, pulling himself out of Nik's orbit until both of their arms were fully extended with the knot of their fingers in between. He looked at his feet, at the sky, at the grass, at everything but Nik. And Nik just waited, patiently at first but as the seconds dragged on he stood there anxiously clearing his throat. Finally, after quite some time, Oliver stole a glance in Nik's direction and then they were off again.

When our consultant told us that we were ready for Stage Two, I have to admit that I was thrilled but also secretly doubtful. Had we really mastered what we needed to in Stage One? But this evening after the children fell asleep I reviewed the videos from that first week and was stunned by the difference these last 8 weeks have made.

Actually, so far, they have made ALL the difference.

So here we come Stage Two!!

Two Questions

I've got two questions turning around in my head tonight. Number one: Why does anyone hang wallpaper? Especially in a room like the bathroom where it is almost impossible to get it off behind the commode and the sink? And number two: What made me think that this, the week dear Nik is in China, would be the best time to tackle that downstairs bathroom? I'm not sure I know the answer to the first. Maybe it has something to do with eternal optimism. I like this pattern now so I'll probably like it even more 10 years from now. Or, by then I'll have sold this place and moved on up to something better. I'm also still scratching my head about the why now part. Maybe it is because Nik hates it when I start projects so by waiting for him to be out of town I won't have to gently put my hand under his chin when he comes home one evening and his jaw drops when he sees what I've done. But maybe it also has to do with not wanting to spend too much time without moving hands while he is away. Moving hands are a good remedy for a roaming mind, I've found. Consequently there are a lot of projects half-started in this house. Consequently my dear husband hates it when I start projects.

But it really hasn't been as hard as I thought. The managing part anyway. Teeth still get brushed, bodies bathed and fed, morning muffins made and we've even been to Lowe's three times for various home improvement tools and every paint chip booklet they have.

And the children are doing well enough, too. They are putting up with an occassionally grumpy mother and are all too happy to move the little blue, red and yellow card table in front of the tv for yet another meal. And forgive me, but just how many times can I serve my children pizza, pasta and grilled cheese sandwiches before child protective services comes?

Oh, and we got some really celebratory news the very same night Nik left. Oliver has officially graduated to RDI stage two: referencing. The next afternoon we celebrated all together, my two boys and I, with a bottle of our finest sparkling apple cider served in the fancy wine glasses with the beaded stems. Then we listened to my new favorite CD and danced a jig. Literally.

When I was little kid people used to tell us that any hole we were digging, if we kept at it long enough, would take us "all the way to China." I haven't really thought of that in years but today I noticed that there is a still a pretty big hole in our back yard from where we dug out the clothes line pole that had been anchored by a big hunk of cement. It had probably been useful back in the days before the maple tree beside it got so large that hanging anything on the line became amusing to all the birds in the neighborhood. Anyway, that hole out in the back yard isn't much of a start, but if Nik were planning to be gone longer than ten days I might seriously start looking around for the shovel.

In the meantime, anyone have any good ideas for removing wallpaper?

On my Mind

Some things I'm thinking about this week:

1) The changes that I'm seeing in Oliver since we started RDI are so gratifying and cause me to be filled with such excitement about where our future is headed. He is joining in and enjoying play activities with very little prompting. All I have to do is say: "Hey, Oliver, let's play a game over here." And he stops what he is doing and joins me! No more escaping, no more chasing!!! He is voluntarily coming to me. I can also now call to him from another part of the house and he will usually respond. How great is that?!

2) Music is essential to life. It used to be that there was always a soundtrack to my life. But for whatever reason I haven't listened to much since the kids were born. Anyway, I finally got around to ordering this CD by the Hackensaw Boys. I saw them perform live last year and was blown away. They have been described by one critic as the Ramones meet the Carter Family. And if you think that sounds incredible just wait till you hear their music! The whole family loves it and our post-dinner dance sessions have brought a new element of joy to our kitchen. I think music and dancing are here to stay at our house.

3) Sammy has potty trained himself. About a month ago we switched over to cloth diapers and I realized that they were never wet -- even first thing in the morning. Then I talked him into trying underwear and we never looked back. He's not quite two yet and he tells me when he has to go to the potty. So this is how the other half lives!!!

4) Nik is going to China. For 10 days. I'm terribly excited for him but also a bit stressed about how I will manage everything in his absence. I plan to order out as much as possible :-)

5) It is supposed to be 55 degrees here today and sunny. The snowman in my front yard barely shows up under the brim of his hat and daffodils are sprouting all around him. The Gods and I are in agreement: Move over Frosty, I'm ready for Spring!!!