On Changes

I didn't mean to sound so cryptic in my last post about my plans. Right now I'm still determining if I'm even qualified to make this change. The only thing keeping me from telling all now is the chance that I'll have to take it all back later. But I did quit my job yesterday -- I gave 6 months notice -- so change is imminent and I've got a bounce in my step. More on all this as it develops.

In the meantime. ...

Oliver had occasion yesterday to be naked. The occasion had me a tad bit frustrated. So, I left him for two minutes and went to coerce Sam into cleaning up all of the refrigerator magnets he had thrown from one end of the kitchen to the other. When I went back upstairs I found Oliver in the hallway. In one hand he carried a pair of pants. The other hand was studiously trying to pull a shirt over his head. Oliver had gone to the closet, chosen clothes to wear and was putting them on. All without a word from me.

This probably falls into the category of a story that only the parent of a child with autism can fully appreciate. And it reminded me again that the future unfolds little by little everyday.

Just One Thing

About a year ago (Was it THAT long ago?) one of my favorite blogging mamas wrestled with some issues having to do with a career change. She knew it was time for a change and over time she made it and has been so much the better for it. But it wasn't easy for her -- as anyone reading along could tell. And now I know why. Change is hard. Following your passion is scary. Risk is unsettling.


I love my job. But I haven't been happy going to work for some time. I cut back from full-time to part-time and tried to manage everything. But my heart hasn't been in it for a very long time and that can be so wearing. And then last week it came to me. I need for my heart and mind to be occupied by the same thing.


So I'm hatching a plan over here. I'm making some changes. And it is at once scary, unsettling and exhilarating. I don't want to divulge too much just yet. But as soon as my plans are finalized I'll spill the beans.

Um. ....

Help?

I'm swallowing hard, here; breathing deep. Tuesday night, around 6:30 the UPS truck pulled up in front of my house and delivered the package for which I had been obsessively checking my front porch. I opened the box immediately and pulled out a text-book size green volume: "Teaching Language Deficient Children." I quickly flipped through it then set it on the floor in front of me. This was followed by a deck of Association Method Noun Picture cards and another stack of 295 phoneme, drop drill and word cards.

Here it is, I thought. Time to get started. Then I was immediately overcome by exhaustion and packed everything back in the box!

I took the book out again yesterday as the kids ate their pizza lunch and skimmed through it a bit more thoroughly. I was fighting another wave of exhaustion after five minutes. It is intimidating to me. The book is packed full of vocabulary that I don't know and symbols that I don't understand. How in the world am I going to teach this? And where is the step-by-step here is how you do it chapter? It isn't in there! Why? Because it is written for teachers and speech pathologists. I'm neither.

More deep breathing.

BUT! last night I sat down with a sharp pencil in one hand and that surly green book in my lap and went to it. The only way to get started is to get started. I'm giving myself to the 1st of August to organize a game plan for beginning instruction. I may not be a teacher or a speech pathologist but I am one determined mama.

Wish me luck!

What's This?

I can't say how many times I have asked myself some variation of this question since becoming Oliver's mother. What's this new thing? This new insight? This new behavior? This new sleep pattern? Is this a new emerging skill or a one-time thing? In a comment on someone's blog recently I referred to myself as the Puzzle-Master because I am always trying to figure things out, to see patterns and devise strategies and approaches. My greatest frustration and the source of a lot of anxiety for me is the not knowing if I've got the right answer, if I'm doing the right thing, too much or too little. And sometimes, when I focus too much on what I think is lacking in my own abilities to get it right, I get stuck; I get overwhelmed with inertia.

Since Oliver's bout with the flu a few weeks ago, when his frustration over not being able to communicate seemed to take center stage even while his fever hovered in the so-high-it-makes-me-nervous numbers, I've been stewing. I've written before that Oliver's silence has almost become overlooked at our house these days. He is just our Oliver and he doesn't talk. We are happy when we hear words but it hasn't been our focus over the past year. Starting RDI helped me to feel more comfortable about not focusing on the language bit. Instead our goal became communication, which is a vastly different thing. And I've been so happy with his progress overall that it has helped me not to be so panicked by his lack of speech.

But then again, I would really love to hear what he has to say. I would love to know if he is cold or hungry or what he finds so funny. And I never want him to again be so frustrated because he can't say: "Just leave me alone!"

On the upside, Oliver is trying to use language more and more. I can ask him simple questions and he can respond:

"What's this?"

"A cow."

"How does a cow go?"

"Mooo."

And he is repeating much more of what I say and can label just about anything. But it is all prompted. Very little of it is spontaneous. And I am starting to see that he has trouble making certain sounds. And sometimes he has trouble being able to produce a word that I know he knows. And sometimes he just says the first sound or syllable of the word. And sometimes he just tries to get away from me!

So what to do? If speaking is something that causes anxiety for Oliver then I don't want to keep pressuring him to talk by always asking questions. On the other hand, it is SO encouraging to hear his little voice and to know that he knows certain things. It gives me immeasurable hope. And yet I find myself almost constantly barraging him with questions and that isn't right either. Who wants to be constantly bombarded with questions?

After thinking about it a lot I determined that I need to find a structured approach that will help to address his issues of competency so that his level of anxiety will also gradually decrease. So for now I have settled on the Association Method because it is a "multi-sensory" approach to teaching language syllable by syllable. In a way this very much parallels the RDI approach to autism remediation in that areas of challenge are addressed in a very incremental way that focuses on building competencies.

I am more than a little anxious about getting started. I'm not a teacher or a speech pathologist. I never could learn grammar, myself. Why do I think I can do this? And this method teaches reading and writing simultaneously. ... Is this biting off more than I can chew? More than Oliver and I can chew together? Well, maybe. But I'm going to give it a try anyway. But gently. And hopefully Oliver and I will develop our competencies as we go along. Together.

Isn't it amazing the world that opens up to you when you are a parent?

Back in Business

Finally!

It appears that the problem of mooching wireless access has much to do with graduation. The street where I live is loaded with group houses for the local university. Now that the summer school students have moved in there are wireless connections aplenty. So for now anyway, I'm back in business.

Kyra, over at ThisMom tagged me a few days ago for a meme: 8 things about me. I've never been "it" before so I gave this a little bit of thought and couldn't think of much that was terribly interesting. So I decided instead to do a little photo essay instead.




My garden. This was a wasted patch of brown dirt and scrub grass when I started 3 years ago. I dream about my garden in the winter and a day is not complete without walking though the spring-summer-fall garden at least once.

My bookshelf. From The Lovely Bones to The Art of Loving and everything in between.












My refrigerator. I hate clutter but you wouldn't know it by the top of my fridge where everything gets stashed.

In the kitchen. For me it really is all abut the joy of cooking!





















The dreaded tupperware closet. How can I possibly have so many mis-matched pieces?






OK. I realize that is only 5 things but it is too dark outside to take a picture of the inside of my car, which is a real wreck, and my sock drawer is in the room where the kids are sleeping. So let's see. ... 3 more things. ...

1. I've had like 40 different jobs in my life. I started working when I was 13 and always had at least two jobs at a time. Even now I find myself looking at the want ads and seeing job descriptions for ticket takers or food demonstrators and think: "I could do that on the evenings and weekends." And then I realize that no, I couldn't. It is a mind set that is hard to break. If I were to write a real resume it would include: dental assistant, closed-caption transcriber, personal assistant, short-order cook, ironer and laundramat attendant, rough carpenter, baker, cashier at grocery store (one day only), cashier at Au Bon Pain (also one day), ethnographer, house cleaner, census taker, salad maker. ... it pretty much goes on and on.

2. I once crewed on a 42 foot wooden sailboat from the Philippines to Thailand by way of Borneo. All of the other crew members were German-speaking and I secretly admired the only other woman on board because she showered topless on deck while I clung to my Puritan heritage.

3. I have really big feet. I wear a size 10 1/2. I hit puberty really late -- I was 16 -- and I didn't grow height-wise until after that. So for about a year I was 5 foot, 2 inches tall with a size ten shoe. I later grew into those feet (I'm now 5'9") but it was a pretty scary waiting for that growth spurt.

So now I'm supposed to tag someone else, I guess. But I'm not going to because it feels a little too much like choosing up for a game of softball and as the short girl with big feet who never got picked that kind of goes against my ethos. Still, I have to say I enjoyed being tagged and it was kind of fun going about my house with the camera thinking: "This says something about me." or "This says way too much about me!" Anyone else care to give it a try?




ps: I can't figure out why I can't get the spacing to work right when I add pictures and text. .. it is really frustrating

I.Can't.Log.On!!!

This totally stinks! Ok, I know I am cheap for not actually paying for internet service. But there are ususally so many wireless connections in my neighborhood that I haven't needed to. But suddenly I can't log on to any of them. I'm going through serious withdrawl.


But on the other hand, Nik is away for a week so I am actually getting stuff done that has been on my to-do list forever. Like clean out that drawer under the microwave that is stuffed with old batteries and salad forks. I also organized my freezer and got rid of the two-year old bag of cranberries. So it's not all bad.


Also, I finally managed to download a bunch of pictures from my camera. Here are some photos from our favorite hiking spot.

It is kind of hard to make out in the picture below but the trail actually runs right up the middle of the stream. The water runs on both sides of the trees in the middle of the photo and so you must jump from rock to rock in order to not get wet. It is pretty challenging but also fun on a hot day.

This is the water hole that marks the end of the trail for us. The water is icy cold and there is always a snake living in the tree roots to one side. But otherwise it is a perfect spot for taking lunch and cooling off.

This is another picture of the water hole that gives some idea of the scope.

A picture of Lunch. Because it is all about eating when you have four boys!

Sleep and More Sleep

There is something weird about sleeping all night long for so many nights consecutively. I wake in the morning a bit disoriented. It's light out? Have I overslept? Where are the the children? How did this happen? Then I see the children curled around each other like dogs and Nik suddenly appears with a cup of coffee in hand (How does he know just the moment when I'm waking).

"How did you sleep?"
"Good. You?"
"Good."

We both look at each other in slight astonishment and lay back on the pillow together to drink our coffee in silence, hardly believing our luck.

In my mind I silently contrast this to a few years ago when I was regularly jolted awake in the morning by Oliver's piercing screams. Even if I happened to wake before him I was always braced for the screaming. I don't know how to describe what that is like: always waiting for the stressful moment to come. I asked Nik about it once recently. I described that period to him as the most stressful time of my life because the screaming episodes were frequent throughout the day and night. I think I suffered from post-traumatic stress syndrome because of it and he barely remembered it. Why is that, I wondered? My only theory is that mothers are supposed to be programmed to understand their children's cry. We are supposed to know a hurt cry from tired cry from a hungry cry. But with Oliver all of his cries sounded like an emergency to me. I remember other parents at that time who spoke of not rushing to pick up their child at every cry but I was never able to do that. I wondered why I had such a hard time adjusting. And then Sam came along and things were different. Every cry wasn't an emergency. I could soothe him from across the room with just the sound of my voice. I could hand him off to Nik or RT and they could soothe him. Right from the very start it was different.

I must admit that part of me is wondering how long this spate of good luck will last. It seems pretty inconceivable to me that we can go to bed every night expecting to sleep until morning. But I'll certainly take it while I can.

Back to Normal. Or Something Like It.

We are finally back to normal in our house. Or at least as close to it as we get. Yesterday I actually even set up the video camera and attempted some structured activities with Oliver. I had to re-think how I was approaching our current objective a bit and felt pretty good about the outcome. Of course Oliver objected the whole way through our three, two-minute activities, but at least he did them and was successful. And I was much better at realizing that extending an activity, just because I'm sure it will go better the next time, isn't always a good idea. In fact, it usually isn't. Besides, the more I think about this objective (coordinating actions) the easier it is to work it into everyday activities so there is always another chance to practice just around the corner. It takes a lot of pressure off so that I don't feel like we always have to get it right each time we try something.

We've been seeing some interesting developments lately with Oliver. First, his receptive language ability is skyrocketing. Hand-in-hand with that is his growing ability to respond more quickly and his ability to respond to cues in his environment without verbal prompting. Getting Oliver dressed used to be quite an ordeal. Nine months ago if I had to change three articles of clothing I would have had to chase him down the hall four times before finishing. Six months ago I no longer had to chase him but I still pretty much had to keep him focused on the task at hand and also had to help him with each article to be changed. A couple of weeks ago I started just handing him the clothes that needed to be changed or put on, telling him that it was time to change his clothes and then waiting for him to do it while giving minimal support. Yesterday I just layed out his clothes for the day and walked away and he had started the task before I even left the room! And the same goes with his shoes. "Oliver, let's go outside. Here are your shoes," I'll say. And on go the shoes. Of course it isn't every time and it isn't always so easy but you can't imagine what a difference it makes! I know this sounds incredible to some people but a year ago I couldn't imagine a time when Oliver would be able to get dressed by himself. And now we are almost there. It makes me feel like anything is possible! And I guess it is, really.

On The Way Up Again

Is my life working out better these last couple of days because I expect it to? I'm not sure, but the last couple of days have been better. And thanks to everyone who posted a comment or e-mailed me privately. It really helped to know that there were people out there pulling for me.

On Saturday I got up in the morning and discovered that I had lost three pounds (out of 10). This was due to stress no doubt but I'll take it. I have a new diet strategy. Every time I feel like snacking I first make myself go to the freezer and take out a two and a half pound package of frozen chicken breasts. Have you ever really considered how heavy 2.5 pounds of chicken is? It is pretty darn heavy. And that nasty, gooey yellow chicken fat? Blech! So that is pretty much enough to keep me from reaching for another Klondike bar.

Anyway, so I went and got dressed and when I returned to the bathroom in order to usher Sam, who was playing in the sink, downstairs, he turned to me and said: "You look very cute today, Mom." I was a bit taken aback. I mean he's only two and he already knows that he is supposed to compliment women on how they look? I asked him to repeat it just so I could hear it again. It has been a long time since I've been called cute.

Then later we were in the playroom and Oliver, who was making a sixty-piece, Ravensberger, Thomas puzzle, got my attention and indicated that he wanted me to come and sit beside him. I was surprised to find that he had already finished the puzzle with only two pieces to go. When Oliver makes a puzzle there is always a particular piece or two that go in last. As I sat down next to him it occurred to me that he wanted to share this moment with me. I watched as he fit in those last two pieces. Sam came over at the very last moment and said: "I'm proud of you Oliver!" taking the words right out of my mouth. I am amazed at the focus and persistence he has when it comes to making puzzles.

We are still having some moments of difficulty with Oliver. I think he is reaching a new level of frustration at his inability to communicate. I'm not exactly sure if that is a positive thing or not but I just try -- as much as possible -- to stay calm and soothing and encourage him to try again to help me understand what he wants. I am discovering that he is able to say so many words if I help him get started, sometimes with just the first sound. But it definitely helps if I know what it is that he wants. I had been hoping that Oliver's language would just sort of kick in as we progressed with RDI but this last couple of weeks has me wondering if I am doing all I should. I've been reading a bit lately about the association method of teaching language and may consider giving that a try. It looks hard though.

OK, now I'm off to try and install this memory card reader on my laptop. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post very soon!

I'm Not Superstitious But. ...

I haven't posted in awhile because I didn't want to follow my last two posts with another downer. But if bad things really do happen in threes then hopefully we are about done with it. So I might as well just post and get it over with so I can clear my psychic space to get ready for all the good stuff that is hopefully out there at this moment looking for a place to land.

First, a close member of my extended family left us a note. The kind of note that, let me say, you never, ever want to find. There is a lot that can be said about this, but to respect that person's privacy, I won't say any of it. In the end I am just extremely thankful that I can still express my love to this person. This whole episode also opened my eyes to how extremely important it is for all of us to feel accepted for who we are to be able to feel secure that we have a place in this world. For as long as I can remember this particular member of my family has struggled with the challenges that come from being different. It caused me to really take a long hard look at the messages that I knowingly and unknowingly send to my children. And most especially to Oliver.

Next, Oliver became ill. It was just a fever but it lasted 7 days. He didn't eat, he woke frequently in the night, he refused to budge from the couch during the day and he became easily frustrated with my attempts to take care of him. It was this last that was the hardest. He struggled so hard to communicate with me and I just didn't understand what he was saying. He made the same requests over and over again, first taking my hand and drawing me down to him then saying the same words again that I didn't understand while pushing my hand away as if to say: "Now go do it." And of course when I couldn't do it because I didn't understand he would grow more and more frustrated. By the time Nik got home from work each day I was such a wreck that I had to leave to take a walk just to keep myself from completely crumbling. On the one hand it really seemed that Oliver has been/is trying to communicate more persistenly, so I should be happy about that, right? But it is still very hard to watch him struggle so much to make himself understood and then fail every single time. And as a mother I guess I feel like I should be able to fix what needs to be fixed but with this I don't even know where to start.

There is a third thing completing my string of bad luck but I'm not even sure how to post about it without invading the privacy of others. So I'll just say this: our family of five is under threat to become just a family of four. I don't necessarily believe that it will happen; it will involve a battle that will probably leave us exactly where we are now only with less money in the bank! It just totally sucks.

So there you go. The times haven't been so good in our little green house but I think we are on the road to better times. Still, if you have positive energy to spare we could use every little bit of it over here that we can get!

*********************

ps: I STILL can't figure out how to get the pictures off of the memory card on my video camera. I have no trouble downloading the videos but can't seem to access the card! I'm such a bonehead when it comes to technology!