I'm having trouble framing things. I'm having trouble keeping my perspective. Just when I thought I had a handle on things I'm back to crying just about everyday. I'm back to feeling that
it all seems too terribly hard and I'm sure I'm just not up to it. There are so many times when I think to myself that Oliver deserves a better mother and I can't even begin to listen to my own exhortations to then just BE a better mother. Normally, you see, I can talk myself out of these things. Or write myself out of it. But these days, to use Oliver-speak, I seem to be stuck.
Oliver is his usual wonderful self but has been a bundle of behaviors lately. Is it the changing of the seasons? The fact that his Poppi has been out of town on a business trip? Is he responding to his mother's out-of-whack emotions? Or is it something else that I haven't yet identified? (Will there ever be a time when I feel like I know what I'm doing??) At any rate, some of Oliver's more difficult to deal with behaviors had all but disappeared over the last several months and now seem to be reappearing. It feels like two steps forward and one step back.
I guess I am in strong need of spring. I need to see things blossom and grow. I need to feel that the long hard work of winter is over and to be reminded that life is full of cycles that must be completed in order for there to be change and growth.
So, c'mon Mother Nature! Bring on the sunshine that will feed these tender green shoots of mine.