Monday, October 25, 2010

Nothing to see here, folks. Just a little autism mama's blocked brain syndrome.

I'm back. I think.

I have been wanting to write here but the words? They are a-fighting me. They jump around, mashing themselves together then breaking apart again somewhere on the road between my brain and ready fingers. I've tried to just force it a couple of times and my dashboard is littered with thoughts that didn't go anywhere. Is this writer's block? It feels more like autism mama's block. Yes, that's it. I feel blocked. Not in a bad way, just in a still-figuring-it-out-way. 

So. ... I'm tricking myself here by committing to a list. Just a list, which to my blocked brain feels somewhere between nothing and a real blog post. So. Here we go:

1. Oliver is all boy on the bike. He has recently begun to pedal full-speed ahead, slamming on his brake at the very last moment leaving delightful skid marks in his wake. And also a Mama who wishes she took valium.

2. And speaking of bikes: Oliver also does this thing where he gets a good glide going then he stands up on the pedals, leans all the way forward resting his hips on the handle bars, raises his arms up over his head like he's just won the Tour de France and actually steers with his hips. It is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. And it makes me wish I had a stash of valium in my bike bag.

3. I am NOT a public speaker. I have hated it my whole, entire life, starting when I was just a grade schooler and could not raise my hand to answer a question or make a statement in class. This persisted through college and, to a lesser extent, graduate school. If I tried my heart would have exploded. But last month I gave four presentations within a two week period. And I enjoyed it. And? Apparently I was good at it because I got three more invitations to speak in the coming months. I'm not sure what changed. I guess maybe I just found something that I really love to talk about.

4. Sending Sami to the sudbury-type school has been quite a learning process, calling for me to really question my beliefs about almost everything. For instance, I've given a lot of thought to how I define success and how my parenting in this moment lays the groundwork for what my kids will be in the future. And strangely? It mirrors much of what I thought I already worked through with regards to Oliver. I had no idea that the terrain of my journey with Sami's would so closely resemble Oliver's. And mostly I had no idea that Kindergarten could be so thought-provoking.

5. I grew a pomegranate bush. Yesterday I went outside to check on it and found a teeny, tiny little pomegranate hiding behind a beautiful red flower. I have no idea what to do with this tiny little thing and the internet hasn't shed much light on it -- but I can't wait to see what happens.

So. That's it, my friends. Thanks to all of you who sent me e-mails and left comments wondering about my absence. You have no idea how much your words filled me up! See you tomorrow?


  1. I'm so glad you're back. I've missed your posts very much.

    Heck, even if you're not up to posting, just mash you're hand on the keyboard and hit publish, just to let us know you're ok. Kay?

    The love you have for your boys just pours out of every post.


  2. OMG to the handle bar trick Mr. Oliver is doing! He's putting Evel Knievel to shame!! You have permission to drink or pop whatever need be as his mother :)

    I keep starting posts and never going back to edit or publish. Seems to be going around lately. The autism mama block, that is.

    Well, it was nice to hear from you anyway. Maybe I will attempt to edit and publish the post I wrote this morning.

  3. Yes, I believe some Valium might, indeed, be in order.

    Good for you on the speaking! You're amazing!


  4. Well, you've been gone for awhile, but some real juicy stuff! So wonderful about the presentations! And the bike riding! And Sami! Missed you.

  5. I used to wonder if they'd ever manage to ride a they do but Owen has a habit of looking around to see who is behind him. So many, many crashes but we keep trundling along.

    Glad you're enjoying public speaking - what a coup.

  6. Of questioning everything I know about learning and education and school? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna need some valium, too. (since we don't ride bikes.)

  7. I'm curious to know more about Sami's school.

    And the bike thing must be terrifying (but so fun for him!)