Maybe you guessed that I'm making an effort to sit down and write more. It's hard. I tell myself I don't have the time. That I don't have anything to say to anyone anymore. That I'm not a real writer, it doesn't matter if I make the effort today or not. But I peel back the layers and there it is, the tender pink of afraid. Of self-doubt. This business of making yourself known is scary. Almost no one that I can reach out and touch in my everyday life knows about this little space here. Do you find that strange? Chalk it up to another secret that I keep. To change that, to truly own my words, is terrifying.
Yet. .. writing in this space has helped me in ways beyond measure. Because of this space, I've connected with a powerful group of women who have carried me through difficult times, women I consider sisters. And I've connected with people who told me that I made a difference in their lives, people whom I might never meet but who find their way here and tell me: Thank you, I don't feel so alone, so afraid, anymore. And that right there? It means something. Maybe it's the only thing that means anything.
So this week, a week when I found myself flirting with this space a little more, I suddenly noticed an uptick in visitors, which made me both terrified and curious. How is it that suddenly The Internet knew I was back? A little sleuthing took me here, where I was surprised to find myself on a list of things to read this week -- which was really terrifying because those other people on the list? They are real writers. But I'm on that list, too, so maybe this is an invitation to think of myself more bravely. To tell myself a different story.
Then, a little more clicking led me to the blog-owner's TED talk, which you can watch here, and is all about Self-Doubt and The Power of the Personal Narrative. ... so! Is The Internet sending me a message? The Universe? But I don't believe in signs, only in our own clumsy meaning-making, and so that's what I'm going to set out to do.