I was a terrible mother today.
You know I love Oliver, right? I mean the kid is wonderful. And I certainly don't know how he can keep being so smiley and happy when his mother is not such a pleasure to be around sometimes. But here's the thing: Oliver makes lots of vocal noises. And sometimes he does it more than others. And sometimes it just feels so. very. extreme. And I can't take it. So I tell him to knock it off even though I know that he is doing it for some sensory reason that is necessary at the moment. Even though I know telling him to knock it off won't really help because he can't knock it off. Still. It drives me crazy. There is no way of getting around it. I get impatient. And frustrated. Then angry. And then I just have to not be around him for awhile.
I have sister who must have noise going on around her at all times. Seriously. The TV is always on at her house even if no one is watching it. She even sleeps with the TV on. But I'm not like that. Noise gets to me. The first thing I do when I walk into my sister's house is turn the tv off. She waits till I turn around and turns it back on. We don't visit much. I need the quiet. Too much commotion, too much noise and I don't cope well. So here you have a woman who requires calm, peaceful, quiet to relax and she just happens to have son who cannot sit still most of the time. A son who balances precariously on the edge of furniture. And a son who is always on at a low hum, sometimes louder.
I suspect that there is nothing to be done about this. Oliver and I will always have this struggle because what we need to feel at peace is at odds. And luckily, for me, the intensity of his sound track ebbs and flows. I used to think that my greatest challenge as Oliver's mother was patience. I am not a patient person. But one can learn patience. I am learning patience. This other thing though? The learning curve just seems a little steeper.